Using both the short and long term memory modules in my brains, I recall unfondly that I didn’t really care for the movie Becky and it even hurt my feelings a little that the folks who made Cooties did it because I love that one. I also really like Lulu Wilson and Kevin James for the most part even though now I think he’s becoming kind of a douche so let’s strike that. I also have big problems with Joel McHale and cabins out in the woods that are always immaculate and people wearing their underwear straps around their heads because what will they do if their underwear falls down and they rip one, this isn’t your mom’s house you stinking bastard put on some clothes and cover that firehole up for crying out loud. So a few years later here comes this sequel and I still like Lulu Wilson and I like Stiffler and maybe this won’t bother my OCD as much and keep your underwear up man and it looks like it’s got another Mike Flanagan actor in here so let’s give it a chance and go team go woo hoo yeah buddy.

My initial thoughts on this is that it’s a ton better than the first one. But just a ton and not a tonne. Also not a hectare. Continuing with words I have just learned recently, it is also not a Taoiseach or the garda siochana . Nor is it a seraglio which I knew but hadn’t heard that word in 30 years since I was studying world history and nicknamed myself The Satrap of Sag. My friend was, of course, The Sultan of Sag and the “sag” was, of course, how low your testicles drooped because of how fucking badass you were. And by badass – remember this was a different time by a different generation – by badass you could run a busy restaurant kitchen all night, go get fucked up on booze and maybe some acid or some blow all night, get an hour or two of sleep and head to college the next morning and do it all again for however many days in a row before you finally got a day off and could get some sleep in your one bedroom apartment. If you were really super badass you could throw in getting lucky during those constant binges but I never really fell on that part of the spectrum and was never presented as: The Sagmaster. And don’t worry that wasn’t a boys only club, among the group were Green Acres, the HoHo and TTT, all women with sag (but no testicles)(that I knew of). Ah the memories, kind of like the memory of where this paragraph started. Oh yeah – I thought Wrath of Becky was good fun!

Do you remember the first movie? A young girl’s family got done dirty so she killed everyone and using Kevin James was nonsense. Now Becky is living with this old lady that took her and her dog in and they play scrabble and tell each other what they’re thankful for and she works at the local diner slinging hash browns and oatmeal and she appears to have a bored disdain for everything in the whole fucking world except for her old lady friend and her dog. Then one afternoon some tough guy punks come in for some cobbler or flapjacks maybe and get mouthy and pinchy so she spills coffee on one guy’s peep and whatdya know but now everyone’s fucked hot-coffee-on-penis-revenge style. Shortly after someone she likes gets shot and someone she loves gets hit with a baseball bat and then it’s you-hurt-my-dog-you-son-of-a-bitch-revenge from here on out.

This time, instead of some jail Nazis, she faces off against some Noble Men who seem to be a bunch of people who believe they’re patriotic and doing things in the best interest of their country but instead are a bunch of shitbags who want to overthrow the government. The man in charge is Stiffler from American Pie and his mom this time is not Stiffler’s Mom but a lady who smokes and is tethered to an oxygen machine. There’s also the three tough stuff thugs from earlier and the red headed bearded dude who does the cooking. The plot up til now? After the break in earlier, Becky tracks these no good mother scratchers down to some swanky rich home near a pond where they have her dog caged up and she goes about killing their filthy, dirty, shitbag asses one by one.

But it’s fun for the most part and relatively gory. I might be remembering it too fondly because there was this one bit that made me actually LOL and I was all “hey good one”. So Becky’s got this guy kind of down for the count and he’s begging for his life and he’s all “I’ll never hurt or shame women again I’m changed I’ll do things right I’ll respect women I’m a family man I’ve got a son!!” And she stops what she’s doing and she asks “what’s his name??!!” And he says “huh?!” And she’s all “what’s his fucking name?? Your son what’s his name???” And he kind of hesitates and looks droopy and responds meekly “Adolph.”

Then, in a rather surprising move, she sits him down on her lap and gently shaves his beard, then his head. We’re not told where the can of shaving cream came from but it’s done in a sort of montage in only one setting but dozens of different angles while they play a song by Bread over it but I can’t remember which one but it’s not Guitar Man. Once that sequence is over she takes him and his clean shaven-ness and – I’m really not sure how she accomplishes this (maybe mesmerization?) but she watches him as he cuts off his own arms and legs and runs them through an old, rusty machine they used to call a chaff-cutter. God damn, do you remember when we used to have to use those back when we were kids? Remember the time NAME REDACTED got his foot caught in the baler? Remember when your grandpa told you not to nut yourself in the grain silo and you did anyway? God we’re getting old.

*Graphic imagery in this next one*

In this thing Becky is 16 I think so it’s a little more believable that she can chop up and kill so many grown adults but still it’s not like you used to do when you were face to face with death and things were very grim. Remember when we were at that field party in high school and we went to pee and those girls had been there before us and we were both “hahaha look at their round circles of pee!” because we’re boys and our piss goes everywhere and then just when we finished pissing those guys came out from behind the trees and were all “what’re you doing on our land” and “we’re gonna kill you and skull fuck you” and you pushed me away and somehow swung around on one of those fuckers and tripped him and stood on him with his face in that puddle of pee while fighting off those other two guys? I was there and saw you standing on that guy and in so fast as it takes electricity to fire through a synapse thinking ohmygod he’s drowning in Sharon’s pee and i’ve got to help him and thought he just threatened to pop out my eyeball and stick his dick in my head and ohmygod what do i do and looked up and you’d ripped that guy’s jaw off and i was all what is this where is this coming from i’ve known you most of my life and that guy was all “ggrgrgrguuuugugllrlrlr” and blood was all over the place and you took it and used it like a hook in that other guy’s balls and what kind of nightmare was this and they both ran off and i crawled out of the mud and you helped me up and we were all ‘well let’s go get another beer” so we went back to the keg and everyone was screaming that the cops were there the cops were there and that we had to suck on pennies because they’d trick the breathalyzer so we were all passing filthy pennies around and sticking them in our mouths and scared we were gonna get busted but we made it out of there somehow and here we are today both old and we both wear glasses because our eyes have cataracts and now we sit around a couple of times a month and smoke weed and play cards but we don’t smoke weed because no one smokes weed around here. Man we were young then.

Well, this post got really long so I’ll skip the story about that time we were throwing eggs at that guy’s house and he came out with that rifle but – Wrath of Becky wasn’t too bad and they set it up for third one which I’d probably watch.

FILED UNDER: NOT TOO BAD I GUESS AND HIGH SCHOOL MEMORIES